I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
