All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Randomize
