I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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