my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
