When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
