A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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