I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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