I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
