Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
