EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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