Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize