Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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