saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
