I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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