I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
