does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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