She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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