Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize