he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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