you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
