peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i came on her dog
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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