Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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