why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
