The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
