Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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