My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
