I checked into jail on foursquare
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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