I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
