Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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