I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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