Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
