Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
