Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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