is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My life is pants optional.
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