Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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