I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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