Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
