do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize