Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
