My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
