I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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