So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
