Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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