Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i will never coherently bang her
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
