I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
