I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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