Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
