our cab driver is having phone sex.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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