Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
