OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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