i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
