My Higher Power is John Stamos
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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