Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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