I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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