My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
