I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
