I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How naked do you want me to be?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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