The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
