I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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