I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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